I was talking to a friend today who was telling me about her hesitation about going on a first date. Not just any first date…a blind first date. Now for the anti-social amongst us – this does not mean that her date wears dark sunglasses and uses a cane or a Seeing Eye dog to get around. A blind date is a first date with someone that you have never met or interacted with before the date. Usually it’s someone else a “friend” who will call you and exclaim joyfully “I met the perfect guy/girl for you!” has found. Now traditionally in my experience this person is far from perfect for ME, but is most often perfect for the person who fixed you up, but that’s another blog for another day….
So I’ve done some thinking and I’ve come up with some information that someone may find helpful. My personal short lists of Do’s and Don’ts for the ladies and the fellas on a first date, blind or otherwise taken directly from my personal experience (meaning my personal male point-of-view). So some of these may not apply to you, but I think they are general enough that they probably hold true for most. As always if you have any suggestions/opinions to add let me know (use the comment link directly below the entry…I mean you’re here you might as well lazy). Keep in mind I am an American so if you’re not in America your culture may have a different set of rules, but I don’t date there so get your own blog… : – )
Guy Do’s
1) Be polite (it was a good meal but she wont appreciate it like grandma does when you let out that loud burp and pick your teeth with your fingernail)
2) Be a gentleman (contrary to what seems to be popular belief among the younger generations holding a door for a woman wont compromise your sexuality)
3) Be attentive (I understand Applebee’s puts the football game on during your date, but if you want a second one make more eye contact with her than you do with Brett Favre)
4) Talk less…listen more (odds are she likes to talk once you get her going and pay attention! Actually remembering something she says will go a long way later on)
5) Bathe (if you need me to elaborate on this one…click the “X” in the top right corner…turn off your computer…and be very afraid cause your hope is all but lost)
6) Have an interest/opinion on something non-sports/video game related (there’s more to life than Sportscenter and Xbox360)
Guy Don’ts
1) Don’t share with her your allergy to water (the obvious next question is how did you shower?), sheep saliva (this is irrelevant unless your first date is at a petting zoo), or anything else that my come across as “weird”. You want her to be comfortable. Leave some mystery for the 2nd date.
2) Don’t make your first date at a petting zoo
3) Don’t continuously stare at your thumb and mumble “I bet it will fit…I just gotta get her to hold still”
4) Don’t ask her how much she paid for (or where she bought) any of the following:
-hair
-eyes
-nose
-boobs
-etc… (you get the picture here…if she bought it…its hers)
5) Yes, the waitress is VERY cute, but she’s not your date…focus man! (do your sightseeing on your own time)
6) If it itches don’t scratch it (excuse yourself to the bathroom dummy)
Ladies Do’s
1) Have any opinion/interests (if we wanted to talk to ourselves we could have done that at home with the Xbox)
2) Have an interest in something other than your shoes, your hair, and which celebrity is dating which (we really don’t care who Paris Hiltons new BFF is)
3) Offer to help with the check (we’re not going to let you, but it’s nice to know you CAN if you have to. Let us know you aren’t just a tag-a-long goldigger)
4) Allow us to be gentleman (pause at the door…give us a chance to do it right….or wrong)
5) Don’t assume a bad time as soon as you see us (I don’t have proof, but I know you ladies do this! Give us a chance to make it a bad time)
6) Let us know if you think you could be falling in love with us and think we would have the most beautiful children together (this is a “do” because we need to know if you are a psycho nut …the sooner the better…)
Ladies Don’ts
1) Keep us waiting forever (we understand your need to make an entrance, but take too long and we’ll be at Applebee’s watching the football game with the cute waitress)
2) Drink like a fish/Eat like a lumberjack (at least PRETEND your interested in something other than the free food and drink)
3) Don’t assume he likes the taste of your hair as much as you do. (if you need to restyle, comb, brush, etc.. take it to the bathroom we don’t want it in our plate)
4) If it itches please don’t scratch it in front of us (wherever we are probably has a bathroom..take your meds BEFORE you come out)
5) Don’t at anytime utter the phrase “ my -ex boyfriends name here- use to do the same thing, wear the same thing, smell the same way, etc…if he was so great what are you doing here?)
6) Make us think we are going to be in a threesome with you and your text messaging (Carla/Debbie/Susan/whomever’s life isn’t REALLY gonna fall apart in the hour or two that we’re out…you can text and call all you want after we’re gone)
That’s my short list…whats yours?
As I sit here in my cube, (my own private open air cell that my job uses to seduce me in to thinking I have freedom while I am secretly held by the invisible chains of “Bills” and “debt”) in my cushiony seat, I can’t help but to think what I guess many of you have probably thought at your own jobs (cube or no cube) today and so many days past…how the heck can I get out of here before losing what little mind I have left?! Well as I secretly and silently stage my own private labor protest I have come up with my top favorite excuses, as well as things you can do, to make an early escape from your voluntary slavery.
9 Things To Say:
9. “I have to go my neighbor just called!” (a panicked voice goes a long way, no one will question what your neighbor called about)
8. “I have to go pick on my kids” (not up…on)
7. “My teeth itch!”
6. “I have to go feed my stuffed deer head”
5. “I left my dog outside!”
4. “I left my phone at home on vibrate!”
3. “I forgot to turn off the microwave!”
2. “I left the fridge plugged in!” (If you say this with enough panic and quickly enough, folks will swear later you said iron!)
1. “I left my DVR on record!”
6 Things to Do:
6. Accidentally pour water on your computer keyboard
5. Wait for your desk phone to ring and yell “STOP IT! STOPPPP ITTTT!”
4. Spill hot coffee on your anything ( I would suggest something you don’t want to use during your extra time away from work)
3. Wear the same clothes to work Tues, Wed, & Thurs then tell your boss you need to leave early Friday because they are finally coming to fix your washing machine.
2. Pee on yourself
1. Pee on someone else
An 8 year old girl said “better than a mango even…I’d rather have <a breast> than a million melons”
Well, on the surface I tend to agree with that statement. I love mangos and I love breasts even more!
But wait…hold on…take a look at this video and you’ll understand why I am a bit disturbed by this statement:
Now that you’ve seen that. First, let me agree with one of the commenter’s and say breast milk better than mangos?!? hell naw!! Have you had the peach mango Snapple? No contest! It takes a lot to disturb me, but this one caught me a bit offguard. I was having a conversation with one of my boys this morning and he mentioned this lil piece of English nonsense and I thought he was making it up. Sadly, this is real. Jimminey Cricket is rolling over in his grave as we speak. What are they putting in the tea over there?!
Let’s add English tea to the list of things to avoid along with
Beef (mad cow disease)
Chicken (Chicken pox)
Pork (Swine Flu)
Anything that flies (bird Flu)
What is wrong with this woman?!? Ladies the moment your children can self-serve on your breast…it’s time to think about kicking the habit! If your child is squeezing your breast into their Cheerios you have a problem and if you think you DON’T have a problem…you have bigger problems than you know!
Kids if you can read this and you are still breastfeeding… Cut that Sh!@# out right now! There are too may beverage choices out there for you to be this lazy!! Hell at least put it in a glass over some ice…
Crap now they got me talking crazy…it’s infectious…somebody call the CDC I think we have another Pandemic…stupidity!
It seems at times that the long days just get longer. At times it seems as if God has a sense of humor and tries out all his new material on me, but this morning I thought that had all changed. Finally God had decided to strike a balance.
As many of you know I have terrible eyesight. I have been wearing glasses since I was very young and am very near blind without them. This morning I did not simply bear witness to a miracle…I BECAME a miracle. This morning I woke up with my sight. I went to the bathroom, as is my normal ritual, looked in the mirror and saw myself…clearly. No glasses, yet I could see perfectly!! My heart soared with joy that finally God had smiled on me. A real, true, sincere smile. Not the usual suspicious grin that He wears knowing the punchline to a joke that I haven’t been told yet. All of my waiting for my miracle and here it was literally looking at me in the face!
Unfortunately, after this brief moment of walking around my house and looking around at everything, looking out the window and feeling for the first time that I was actually “seeing” a sunrise…something happened. Something awful happened. My eyes began to get dry and began irritating me. I blinked and blinked and blinked hoping the irritation would go away, but the more I blinked the worse it became.
Then it happened…
My right contact fell out. And just as quickly as it had come…so went my miracle. Apparently I had fallen asleep with my contacts in. I am very vigilant about removing my contacts before I go to sleep at night and putting on my glasses and if you had asked me I would have sworn that’s exactly what I did last night. Guess not.
Now if you are very very quiet and you listen reeeeaaaaaal close….you can hear God giggling…
That’s the Tooth, the wholeTooth, and nothing but the Tooth!
